


Buzzkill

by Haywire



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 11:39:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3727459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywire/pseuds/Haywire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew takes on a mysterious load of cargo and they're left to wonder just what it is exactly. River cuts straight to the chase and the rest of the crew find themselves in an awkward situation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Buzzkill

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hiddencait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddencait/gifts).



> Set during the television series timeline and before the movie. For hiddencait, hope you enjoy it! :)

Things were quiet for a change aboard Serenity, which wasn’t usually a good thing - less jobs equals less money, after all - but with the ship in the middle of a payment on delivery cargo hold it wasn’t all that bad. They’d been running at full capacity for the last several weeks and had made what was for them a tidy sum, so having a more relaxed job for once was a welcome change.

Mal had met with the senders when they’d initially picked up the cargo, and he’d inspected it himself. There was no way in the ‘verse that Mal or anyone with a brain would accept and deliver packages blindly, not if you knew what was good for you, so he’d insisted on checking it out first hand.

The senders had reluctantly agreed, which raised all kinds of red flags initially, but upon exiting the cargo hold after seeing what they were delivering Mal had actually been laughing. He assured everyone it was more than fine and explained he’d been instructed to keep quiet about it (for an additional fee of course), which of course only made everyone more curious to see what they were transporting exactly.

“My money’s on weapons.” Jayne hypothesized.

“Of course that’s your guess.” Zoe replied, arms folded as she leaned back against the galley wall.

“Why would he be laughing about guns, Jayne?” asked Simon.

“Because they’re fun.” he answered, looking around at the rest of the crew as if they were the crazy ones.

“Right, well,” Wash said, clapping his hands. “not that this isn’t a fascinating discussion, but I think I’ll see if the Captain needs a hand.” He headed towards the cockpit, where Mal was working on the ship’s problem of the day.

Simon and Jayne also dispersed - all the gun talk made Jayne claim he had to go back to his bunk to polish his guns, which no one questioned, and Simon had new inventory to put away - leaving Zoe, Inara, and Kaylee in the galley.

“So, what do you think we’re carrying?” Kaylee asked, eyes wide.

“Kaylee, if the Captain doesn’t want us to know, we really shouldn’t-” started Zoe.

“Flowers.” Inara interrupted. “I think it’s flowers.”

“...seriously?” Zoe said.

“Well, think about it,” the companion elaborated. “They’re keeping them well covered, in a controlled environment, correct? And Mal laughing, certainly he’d laugh at the idea of smuggling _flowers_ , and would even go along with keeping us in the dark to protect his reputation.”

“That… kind of makes sense.” Kaylee said. “I think.”

“Do you really think Mal would agree to deliver flowers, Inara?” Zoe said, smirking.

“For the right amount, do you really think that he _wouldn’t_?” she responded.

“You have me there.” Zoe agreed.

“What do you think, Riv… wait a minute, where’s River?” Kaylee asked.

“She was here a minute ago when we were talking about the mysterious shipment, I-” Inara started, stopping as her eyes went wide. “You don’t think she…”

“Let’s go find out.” Zoe said, heading for the cargo bay with Inara and Kaylee in tow.

When they got there they discovered River, bent over with her top half underneath the tarpaulin which covered their unknown cargo.

“River!” Kaylee hissed, reaching her first and tapping on the tarp to get her attention. “What are you doing under there?”

“Trying to figure out what’s in here, just like everyone else.” she replied matter-of-factly as she withdrew herself from underneath the tarp. “Only I’m doing the easiest thing and just looking at it.” River grinned a little, as if it was the most obvious thing to have done.

“Still, the Captain has agreed not to reveal what we’re carrying.” Inara said, reaching out and brushing some dust off of River’s sleeves.

“He never explicitly said we couldn’t look and see for ourselves, though, did he?” River pointed out. She looked from Inara to Kaylee, turning to Zoe last.

“The girl has a point, I suppose.” Zoe finally replied after everyone else had turned to hear her response. “Alright, tell us, what did you see in there anyway?” She nodded toward the partially uncovered crates that were now partially visible underneath the tarp.

“What’s a vibrator?” River asked, frowning when she saw the colour rise in Zoe and Kaylee’s cheeks. Even Inara shifted slightly, apparently uncomfortable with the question she posed.

“Um,” Inara started when no one else spoke up. “Why… uh, why do you ask that, River?” She suspected she knew why but didn’t really want to know the answer.

In response River pointed to the cargo which rested underneath the tarp. Taking a closer look at them, some lettering was visible across the top part of one of the crates. Not all of the text had been revealed, but a portion reading ‘vibratin-’ was clearly displayed in bright letters.

While the others were examining the cargo, Kaylee went over to the portion of the tarpaulin that River had lifted up and stuck her own head underneath it.

“Not much light under here, damn it, but is that…” She squinted and tried to get a better view of the text before withdrawing and giving up. Kaylee turned to River. “Wait, did you see more of the writing on the crates? That wouldn’t happen to be a VX-5000 model by any chance, would it?”

Inara and Zoe turned their gaze toward Kaylee now. River just shook her head in answer.

“What?” Kaylee replied. “The 4000 model is the only... company... I’ve had for a long time now. You’ve got a husband and you’re a companion, so neither of you can blame me for wondering if we had our hands on something newer here, can you?”

“You still haven’t answered my question.” River pointed out, done talking to Kaylee now and turning back to Inara and Zoe. “Those things in there, the vibrating objects, what are they? Are they some form of a weapon?”

Zoe couldn’t help but snicker at that, and Kaylee actually slapped her knee. Inara gave River a small smile and shook her head no, then reached out and put a hand on River’s shoulder.

“River, no, it’s not a weapon, it’s… well, I suppose it’s kind of complicated.” Inara looked to Zoe, who didn’t meet her gaze, making it clear the companion was on her own here.

“It’s not really _that_ complicated.” Kaylee said under her breath, grinning a little.

“If it’s not a weapon then what is it?” River asked, turning back towards Kaylee. “Is it a part for the ship, then? A motivator of some sort?”

That made Kaylee laugh even harder. “That’d be one gorram powerful model if it could be used for somethin’ like that, I reckon!”

“No, sweetie, it’s…” Inara tried to think of how to broach the subject but was coming up blank. “Well, you see, sometimes people have certain… urges.”

“Like hunger?” River asked straight-faced.

It was Zoe’s turn to snicker now, putting a hand up in front of her face and trying to turn it into a cough but failing miserably. Kaylee just continued laughing and bent over slightly in her mirth.

“Um, well-”

“What’s so funny here?” came Mal’s voice as he entered the cargo hold, a single eyebrow raised. “Someone wanna fill me in on what I’m missin’?”

“Inara here was just tryin’ to tell River about, y’know,” Kaylee managed as she caught her breath. “our cargo there.”

“Ahh, I see.” said Mal. “Someone went and peeked then.” He walked toward the cargo and bent down a little, peering at the portion which had been revealed. “So the cat’s out of the bag, huh? Who was it that looked?”

“Me.” Inara spoke up before River or anyone else could jump in. “I was trying to tell River about it but, well. I take full responsibility for it at any rate.”

Sighing, Mall shook his head and looked disappointed. After a few seconds he walked back towards Inara. “Well I guess we couldn’t keep it a secret forever. No hard feelings, Inara.” He extended a hand towards her.

She took it then quickly withdrew her hand from his grasp after a loud buzzing sound and a shock ran through her arm. “Ouch! What in the ‘verse…” Inara shook her hand and looked perplexed.

Mal laughed loudly and raised his hand, waving it back and forth to show the joy buzzer concealed inside of his palm. “Gotcha! Yeah, this stuff is great, isn’t it?” He walked back over and pulled the tarp off, revealing all of the crates. The various text on them was now fully visible, and it looked like their surprise cargo consisted of vibrating joy buzzers, whoopie cushions, fake dog vomit, and many other novelties.

“This… is our cargo that you had to keep a secret?” Inara asked.

“Hey, a lot of this stuff is pretty rare these days. Our client wanted us to keep a lid on it and I agreed.” Mal said with a shrug. “What can I say, I humoured him.” he added with a grin. “Get it, humoured?”

“I get it, sir.” Zoe answered without smiling.

“I’m still confused,” River interjected. “I still don’t know what a vibrator is yet.” She turned to the Captain, who had completely stopped laughing and smiling now.

“I, uh,” Mal stammered, pointing back over his shoulder. “There’s a thing that, er, needs fixin’. That is, I need to go and- what’s that Wash?!” he called out, though no one else seemed to hear Wash’s voice. “I’ve gotta go help so yeah, I’ll just.” He disappeared as fast as he’d came, not daring to so much as look back over his shoulder.

“Now _that_ was what I call humour.” Inara said with a chuckle.

“You people are weird.” River declared, then resumed rummaging through the now revealed cargo, eyeing the contents and shaking her head at what people thought of as humour.


End file.
